It’s been forever. I’ve been busy not trimming the tree, not decorating the house, not wrapping the gifts, not baking the shortbread, and not giving a shit. Turns out not doing things is really quite enjoyable.

I mean, I’m not totally unprepared. There’s a tree over there in the corner.There’s a little orange ukelele in the closet with Max’s name on it. And there’s half a dozen lights strewn on a scraggly bush on the front lawn. Life is good. Glad tidings are nigh. And no, mom, I don’t have my “Christmas cleaning” done. 1956 called; they want you back.

My saving grace? Online shopping. Well, there’s not much saving about it. Not in the monetary sense. But it does save time, and that’s everyone’s most precious commodity. It gives me access to things not locally available. (I just ordered an elephant tusk and a stamp licked by George Clooney’s nephew.) And that excitement of receiving a package in the mail – c’mon, you know you love it. Every time I get one of those cards in my mailbox that says “you’ve got a package,” I pee my pants a little.

Here are 10 things I found online and ordered for Max for Christmas…

1. An adjustable weighted vest for all my future excursions to the mall avec Turbo Ginger. The leash disguised as a teddy bear backpack just doesn’t cut it anymore.


2. A body pillow to keep him warm and comfy at naptime.


3. I just couldn’t resist this cute little toy. I mean, what is it? It’s like pig-shaped poetry – open to interpretation. Is it a joystick with an armpit? Is it a Chia Pet from a home full of smokers? What a wonderful mystery to foster imagination.


4. Nobody likes socks for Christmas. But how about these spiffy duds? Retro chic. Max is sure to be the most talked about kid at daycare.


5. All the Woodys and Buzz Lightyears were sold out, so I got this Toy Story 3 character instead. Max is going to love it. You know, once the night terrors subside.


6. Every kid has a ride-on car or jeep. But how many kids can say they ride around in the brain of a Cyclops? Hang onto that googly retina, Max. Let’s go scare some toddlers!


7. Nothing says I love you like a gift made with your own two hands. How about a BEST FRIEND made by hand? I’m gonna crochet Max a lifesize pal named Colin.


8. Pint-sized scrubs – why didn’t I know about these before? I ordered them in green and blue. I mean, Max may as well get used to them – in all colours. Obviously he’s going to be a doctor.


9. But not just a regular doctor. Max is going to be an internal organist. So I bought him this interactive educational toy. Go ahead, son, yank out those intestines! Who wants to play hide-the-pancreas? Who wants to reenact the final scene in Braveheart?


10. And what kind of mother would I be if I didn’t give him a few books, right?

And all he wanted was a train.