We used to own a gun.
A little, plastic novelty gun that gave you a shock when you pulled the trigger. It was a source of entertainment for weeks as we tried to get unsuspecting visitors, even the kids, to pull the trigger.
Max was the last to fall for it. (Turbo Ginger ain’t no fool.) I expected him to drop the gun and do his trademark OWWWW with a couple crocodile tears for dramatic effect. To our surprise, he kept pulling the trigger again and again, flinching his eyes then grinning, enjoying the little charge of electricity coursing through his wee finger.
Mixed messages much? Here we were encouraging our kids to play with toy guns. In our next breath, we’re telling them guns are the devil.
Here Max, take this toy gun and shoot grandma. Good job, son! And now for your reward: a Popeye cigarette! Go ahead, pretend you’re having a draw. But remember, smoking is Satan. Hey, wanna play Call of Duty in a greasy white tank top?
Max still uses his pants as a toilet, so I don’t expect him to know the difference between a gun that’s a toy and one that can blow your fucken brains out. But hey, it’s not like he’ll ever have the chance to pull the trigger on a real gun before he knows the difference, right? If the husband ever buys a shotgun for moose hunting, it will be stored in a locked steel case, in a locked iron box, in a room with a force field around it, on Jupiter. Seriously though, there’s no 9mm semi-automatic lying around Chez Murphy. Except for the one I have discretely baked into a pie in the fridge, so when my would-be rapist asks for a snack, he’ll get his just desserts. (See what I did there?)
And besides, toy guns don’t make your kids grow up to be cowboys. Or criminals.
The batteries in the toy gun expired around the same time Nicholas Winsor did. Have you forgotten him already? I have not. His picture was all over the news. Tough guy, 120 pounds soaking wet, covered in tattoos. And oh yeah, he’s also dead, but in the press his death seems secondary to how he looked and how he lived. It all goes hand in hand in hand, I guess.
A couple weeks ago, the 20-year-old St. John’s man (who was barely a man at all) took a fatal gunshot to the neck, compliments of his friend. Two of his best buddies, Phil Pynn and Lyndon Butler, will now stand trial for second-degree murder after an altercation that went bad. If this were a big city, it’d be just one of many such incidents on the daily news. But this is not Toronto or LA or Baghdad. Around here, stuff like this makes headlines and shakes us to the core.
I have to admit – the tattoos made me roll my eyes and shake my head. I think there was one collective glare of disgust across the city when we saw their photos: the now deceased in his invincible gangster stance, with “Trust No One” inked on his forearms. One of the alleged shooters with teardrops etched onto his face. (Max could have done a better job with his jumbo crayons.) And on the neck of the other alleged perp, the words that inspired the title of this post: “The Lord made me but the devil raised me.” Wow. I doubt his parents put that artwork on the fridge.
Sorry for the prejudice all you good Christian people with tats on your face and neck, but Max is never getting a tattoo. Unless it says “What would Jesus do?” Or, “Get your pet spayed or neutered.” Or, “I love my mom.”
My initial reaction? These boys are scum of the earth. Lost causes. I felt little more pity for the dead guy as I did for the shooters. A gun went off. It could have been any of the lot. There is no victim here. Just look at their facebook pics: hard tickets posing with homemade shanks in what looks like a jailhouse scene. What a waste of space. What a waste of life: the victim’s and the shooters’ alike.
But that was my fear talking.
What if Max were in the wrong place at the wrong time? Bang bang, you’re dead, beautiful little boy. And in an instant my whole world is snuffed out like a cheap candle.
What if Max grows into a shy, awkward kid and finds acceptance with “the wrong crowd”, with boys like these?
What if he has a darkness inside him? Something he was born with, a mental condition and a predisposition for trouble. What if some kids are just born bad? What if it’s more out of my hands than I realize?
Now, where’s that toddler-sized bubble I bought on e-bay?
I fear boys like Butler, Pynn and Winsor. (Well, the latter, not so much anymore.) It’s a fact: my Max is a little less safe in this city because of them and others like them. I despise them for poisoning the place I choose to make my home. But most of all, I pity them.
I think back to when Max was born. An eight-pound bundle of possibility. He didn’t ask to be born. He came to be, because of his father’s inability to resist my womanly form. And now his whole existence is in our hands. I remember walking out of the hospital with the car seat in our hands, thinking, Are they really going to just let us walk out of here with this person? Aren’t they going to stop us, give us a quiz or a skill-testing question or something?
We are his everything. The be-all and end-all. For a good portion of his life, we hold all the cards. We predetermine the outcome. It’s a lot of responsibility, and a lot of power.
Nick Winsor was somebody’s bundle once, too. He didn’t ask to be born. When he was a little boy and someone asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he didn’t say a gun-slinging, drug-pushing gangster. He probably wanted to be a firefighter or a truck driver or – oh the irony – a police officer. I don’t blame his mother or his father because I don’t know the whole story. Maybe they did the best they knew how. Maybe Nick was born with a darkness that would have prevailed, no matter what anyone did. Nobody knows for sure. Frankly, as a mother myself, I have compassion for the woman who gave birth to him, no matter how she raised him. No mother wants to see her child pieced back together in a coffin, while she falls apart every day for the rest of her life.
Yes, someone failed that little boy. The damage was done long before that bullet lodged itself in his neck. And once the vengeance inside him took hold at an early age, it was probably too late; nobody was strong enough to save him from himself. But again, no need to point the finger at the woman who gave him life; the punishment has already been handed down, and it is severe.
Surely this case will make headlines again when the trial begins. So next time you see the face of Nick Winsor on your TV or computer screen, look beyond the tattoos and the tough guy bullshit. You’ll see a scared little boy, poorly equipped for a big world.
Granted, I want Max to stay the hell away from boys like him. But I also want Max to have compassion for boys like him. So I must have compassion too. Childhood is a critical time. It makes you or it breaks you. So all of us who have remained intact: let’s have a heart for the broken. Luck is never distributed evenly or fairly.
I look at Max and wonder what the future holds. To borrow a line from Mad Men’s Don Draper on the birth of his son, “We don’t know who he is yet or who he is going to be, and that is a wonderful thing.” Indeed, I don’t know how Max will turn out, but I do know I will try my damnedest to keep him on the path of good. Because obviously the path of evil is just around the corner from our house. And if it ever rises up to meet my precious boy, I will beat the shit out of it with a shovel (which I keep under my bed. So I can bury would-be kidnappers right after I whack them. Efficiency is this mama’s middle name.)
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Georgina
July 27, 2011 at 10:54 am (9 years ago)Profound….brilliantly written!!!!
bla bla bla
July 29, 2011 at 2:48 pm (9 years ago)Wow…just wow….some of what you just typed was proper, great writing.
90% of your facts, complete and utter hear-say bullshit…you don’t know what went on that unfortunate night. Wait until the trial is over before you try to make them out to be monsters.
Mother Blogger
August 1, 2011 at 6:21 pm (9 years ago)I think you missed my point. I don’t see monsters (anymore); I see lost and damaged children. Thanks for your comment though; I welcome the bad with the good.
Andrew
August 28, 2011 at 1:56 am (9 years ago)Here’s a little fact for you that I’m sure you’re not aware of. The 18 months that winsor served prior to his death were for theft and assault more specifically he assaulted a security guard from walmart and then pulled out a syringe and threatened to stab a good Samaritan In the process.All for a Playstation 3. So to make a comment like, wait until the trail is over before you try to make them out to be monsters, news flash it’s too late.
One less wanna be gangster to worry about…
J D
January 3, 2012 at 10:24 pm (9 years ago)Go fuck yourself idiot
Mother Blogger
January 4, 2012 at 2:45 am (9 years ago)Good comeback. Not.
AW
February 19, 2014 at 3:27 pm (7 years ago)Me to go fuck myself? and good comeback?
I’m the guy that caught the little prick stealing the PS3 when he pulled a syringe out on me. Luckily for me I wasn’t stabbed and luckily for him that he had a syringe.
Again here’s the facts:
He was charged with assault with deadly weapon as an adult (finally) back sometime in 2010. Did his brief stint in jail then a few weeks after his release is back out on the streets trying to be a thug/banger.
Breaks into the wrong home with 2 of his best friends – ends up getting shot.
End of story
I agree no parent should have to lose a child but this kid was a lost cause. No rehabilitation system was correcting this boy/man. Great read but a little more research would have lead you to choose a different candidate for your essay.
i have a job.
September 4, 2012 at 2:54 am (8 years ago)philip pynn is a strain on our society, in or out of jail. i doubt he’s worked a day in his life. and from the showmanship of his family in court id say its not his fault. hes made his bed, time for him to sleep in it. i don’t know how anyone can come to the aide of a drug dealing, gun toting useless junkie that collects a welfare cheque unless you’re one of the unfortunate attics he’s providing services to. i have no sympathy for anyone who is disrupting the lives of the people of newfoundland. the most genuine, free spirited people come from there. why would you carry a gun in st. john’s to begin with? its not harlem. its not los angeles. its not even toronto or edmonton.. like get a fuckin job you imbred piece of shit.
Terri
August 2, 2011 at 3:30 am (9 years ago)Wonderfully written Vicki…and exactly what every TRUE mother is thinking.
Jen B
August 2, 2011 at 2:38 pm (9 years ago)Nicely done Mrs. Murphy!
JustAnotherTattooedGuy
October 3, 2011 at 2:36 am (9 years ago)I grew up with Philip Pynn. He is and was a good guy, but always had problems since primary grade school. For the most part he was born into it, it was bred into him.
As for what seems to be some form of implication that next to no “good” people have tattoos is quite a detrimental train of thought. As a man (I guess 25 years of age can qualify me as a man…or maybe you can write a blog to state otherwise) who has traveled all throughout Canada, some states, England and lived in Ireland I can safely say people in our lovely province are more tattooed (even if it’s only a small one on ones forearm or shoulder) then any other place I’ve been to on this planet. Maybe you can spread this prejudicial stereotype of people with tattoos to Max as well who will in turn fear the majority of this city.
As for Call of Duty. I do not play in a greasy white tank top….I usually play in my boxers cause after a day of work I deserve to be a lazy nerd of sorts.
Mother Blogger
October 5, 2011 at 11:08 pm (9 years ago)My husband has a tattoo and plays Call of Duty, and he is as good as they come. I think if you read my blog (and not just this one post) you would realize that the vast majority of what I say is in jest.
I’m sure Phil Pynn is – or is it was? – a good guy, but forgive me for not asking him to babysit. And it’s not because he has tattoos. Obviously.
Jeana
January 18, 2012 at 9:20 am (9 years ago)I realy enjoyed your blog and unlike some others i understand where you are coming from maybe your humour was lost on others, So if i may…. so what i got from it was that initially the thought is these guys were scum, but then realized that at one time they were someone elses baby and that this situation is truely sad and ya wonder what went wrong for them to end uo like this?
shall not judge
February 21, 2012 at 3:07 am (9 years ago)people judge people without knowing them based on their actions. its a natural human reaction everyone does it. lyndon butler and philip pynn do it. the thing in the main point here in this particular topic, i think, is lifestyle. they chose their lifestyle. long time ago. after their first couple stints in juvie it was pretty well set what they were gonna be in life…. criminals. thing is.. they probly arent bad guys to talk to in their own respect probly the best kind… but they killed a friend while robbing someone they know it was wrong but thats what they do for money rob and sell dope. its the lifestyle they chose now their doin their time . maybe this as unfortunate as it is will wake them up as to how retarded a game they are playing really is maybe something good will come out of the trajedy of a 20 year old kid being killed. one could only hope
Jane
November 15, 2014 at 2:46 am (6 years ago)Aw, if you knew anything about security you should have just let nick( rest in peace) leave with it you had him on security cams anyways stealing it so why the hell would you put yourself In harms way to stop someone, it’s not coming out of your paycheck….. Maybe walamrt should retrain there employee.. Seriously. The police knew who he was anyways why even stop him.. I would have held the door for him if it meant me going home that night…