Some people think I’m the perfect mother. Okay nobody really thinks that, except Max when I’m giving him candy for breakfast. But you might think I’m the perfect mom, if you only saw the photo above. Go ahead – look at it. That shit could be on a can of ginger juice. What’s that – there’s no such thing as ginger juice? There is now. Someone just invented it, inspired by this picture.

An ad woman for the last decade, I can say with certainty – this photo is not entirely true to my brand. I should be fired. No, I should be branded with a branding iron that says YOU SUCK. I need a brand-aid for my brand suckiness. It’s okay – I’m with the brand. Sergent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Brand of Suckage.

What is brand?, you ask. Good question. Your brand is your unique identity, your personality, your projection into the great big world. It’s how everyone else perceives you. In marketing, brand is everything. And in life, too. In everything you do and say and choose, you’re living your brand. You don’t even realize it. Nor should you. It should just be.

The key to a successful brand is consistency. So if your brand is “ginormous asshole,” have at ‘er. Be an asshole from dusk to dawn. Don’t stop midday and help an old lady cross the road. Push that geriatric down! I’m kidding, obviously. Old ladies are the cat’s ass. Ironically, they also usually have lots of cats. Anyways, if you’re an asshole, forget about your brand; worry about your soul.

If your brand is one of integrity, however, let’s be friends. Integrity is doing the right thing, living life with complete honesty, and being true to yourself – even when nobody is watching. That’s when people will follow you, enjoy your company, and buy whatever you’re selling. Because it’s the real fucken deal.

So what’s Mother Blogger’s brand?

Well, if you looked at the photo above, missed the wordplay of “Mother Blogger,” and read none of my toilet-mouthery, you might think my brand is “the bliss of motherhood.” Hilarious. You’d probably think I have it all. What a riot.

But hey, maybe I do have it all. Cute kid. Handsome husband. (Missing from photo. Gingers only.) Picture-perfect scenery. Infinite wit and modesty. Great hair. I mean seriously, it’s like a nest of spun gold for a magnificent phoenix.

This photo is shitting you. It is wool over your eyes. This photo is a glimmer of serenity in the chaos that is my life, captured by a trained eye behind a very expensive camera that can make dog shit look like bars of gold. In a moment of weakness, I chose it from about 70 shots. Vanity bitch-slapped Authenticity and ran off to fix its lipstick. Seriously, would the perfect mother/domestic goddess bring THIS to a baby shower?

Exactly. But I will have you know – it was delicious. Made from scratch. And by that I mean I was scratching my ass as I made it. (Kidding.) I wonder who ate the piece with “shit” on it. They were eating shit.

Here are some other shots from our family photo shoot that might be more representative of yours not-so-truly…

See. Total chaos. But I’m still smiling. And look at Splash – true love in a fur coat. Okay you’re right, it’s not ugly enough.

How about this…

Huh? Right? Tears. This is how the photo shoot ended. This is how a lot of things end. But my God, he’s cute, ain’t he? Even when he’s wailing. And hot damn look at my hair. It’s a golden rope ladder straight to heaven.

Aha! Here’s a doozie…

I should make that face my signature look. It looks like I’m about to chomp the tip off a carrot.

Truth is, I kinda dig my chaos. My busy job, my messy house, my dog who looks like a cow and eats like a pig, my hockey nut husband, my matchbox house, and my wild child. It’s a ride at the fair. It’s reality. It’s real. And it’s all mine. Life is nothing if not a struggle.

And you dig it, too. Either because my chaos makes you feel better about your own desperate life. Or you just like to point and cackle at mine because you’re a horrible person. Whatever. Bring it. I’m happy to have you along for the ride.

So. Which pic should be the header on this Mother Bloggin’ website? Which snap best represents who I am and what I write about? Here are a few other contenders. Not so pretty. But honest. And from what I can tell, you don’t come here because I’m hot. (Have you seen my boobs lately? Ask my husband. Ew times two.)

You come here because I show you what motherhood really looks like.