I hate underwear. Or maybe it’s that underwear hate me. Why else would they irritate the FUCK out of me like this? Riding up my hole like they’re looking for treasure in the attic. Chafing at my lower gut, where my baby bump meets my pubis fuzzimas. My groin looks like a teenage boy’s face.

I bought bigger undies the other day. Damn near grannies, in fact. But they made no difference. The only way for underwear to be comfortable right now is for me to wear them on my head. And don’t even bother suggesting those big maternity bastards to me, the ones that wrap up around your belly. It’s hotter than a baby in a microwave these days, and I do NOT need another layer of fabric on me, hell to the no. And if you even utter the word thong, I will send a bag of dog shit to your house.

Last week, I thought I had the ultimate plan to boycott underwear forever. Commando all the way. I’m preggers…no more shark week surprises…why not, right? Hell, if the wind blew my skirt up you’d barely see my twatter anyway with this big ol’ potbelly casting its ominous shadow, and my giant gelatinous ass cheeks migrating down my thighs.

But then it happened. My first “snissing” incident. I was in the checkout line at the store and I sneezed, and a widdle bit of pee dripped onto my sandaled feet. Out of my freakin’ urethra! The route from piss flaps to floor had never seemed so direct. More obstacles required. I hoped nobody noticed and carried on like I was not a leaky bag of hot piss. Another great reason to carry baby wipes in my car: to clean the wee from between my toes.

So yeah, the only way I can give up underwear right now is if I take up adult diapers instead. Or wrap my lower half in plastic. Or go around with a toilet attached to my ass.

For the love of god, someone invent a urethra cover. I don’t need the rest of the fabric, and the elastic can go straight to hell. I just need the part that covers the pisshole. To catch the piss. To be at least some kind of barrier between my tiny bladder and total humiliation.

I impatiently await your prototypes.