Today’s high: 11 degrees. I woke up to the usual rain, drizzle, and pea-soup fog with doughboy clouds congealed into a grey sheet, kiboshing any trace of the elusive yellow orb (the name of which I can’t quite remember, like a distant cousin you see at weddings but never talk to.)
It’s being called Augember. Fogust. Blahgust. (That last one’s mine. I think.) However you say it, this summer here on the east coast of Newfoundland has been a real kick in the pants.
And speaking of pants, when will we ever get to take them off? My shorts are sitting there in the drawer, sad and lonely and wishing they were longer. No odds; I can’t even see what I’m wearing from the neck down. The fog is so thick, I could be wearing snowshoes and a strap-on for all I know.
But hey, we’re hardy Newfoundlanders. We’re mothers! We thrust humans out of our vaginas, for Christ sake! Surely a little bit of RDF can’t break us. There’s a bright side to the bloodiest of hells.
The Benefits of This Bloody Hellish Weather
1. It saves us money on Speedos. My husband just has the one. It’s white. So is he. So when he’s in it, it disappears. Then he makes me play Find-the-Baloney. Stick with Pictionary.
2. It saves us money on summer recreation. Who needs pony rides and water parks? Sitting around the house in my fat pants eating Kraft Dinner straight from the pot literally costs me nothing. Less the cost of the KD, and my self-esteem.
3. It saves our gingerlicious skin from dangerous UV rays. Sure, the void of life-giving Vitamin D can spiral us into deep depression, but at least we’ll have wrinkle-free skin all around that perma-frown. Booyah!
4. It deters us from swimming and boating, and therefore decreases our chances of drowning. High five, survivor! It also makes Death by Humpback very unlikely. Michael Winter wouldn’t have gotten this fright last week if he had left his brown sweater – and his ass – at home. http://t.co/fxAag0C
5. It keeps me away from the beaches. Yay – no sand in my cracks this year! And no need to put the toothbrush anywhere but in my mouth.
6. It saves us money on propane. Only a carnivorous tree frog would barbecue in this rain. And with all this fog, we can’t even see the grill anyways. We could be eating hooves and sphincters for all we know. Oh wait… hot dogs… we are eating hooves and sphincters, nevermind.
7. It makes for good lettuce. I was just at the St. John’s Farmers Market and boy did the greens look good. The Mount Scio lettuce guy, who’ll I’ll call Leaf Erikson for now, said the rain was great for the lettuce. I had spent all my moolah on a free range chicken from Placentia Junction, so I walked away without buying anything from Leaf. He looked pitiful there in his head-to-toe rain gear, water dripping from his invisible cash register. So I’ll try and make it up to him now. Buy lettuce from Leaf, everyone. Lettuce all buy lettuce from Leaf!
8. Puddles. It’s why God created rubber boots. And bath night.
9. It’s too wet and windy to put clothes on the line, so into the dryer they go. I know, there’s nothing like the smell of clothes fresh off the clothesline. But I can do without the spiders and the crispy jeans. I know the electric dryer is a waste of energy. (Sorry, Ed Begley Jr.) But it does save my energy! I have better things to do with my time, like coming up with this list. If it can save one life, all that fabric softener will be worth it.
If none of these benefits turn your frown upside down, if you’re still not seeing a bright side to this perpetual shit storm, then hopefully you’ve got a kid to hug. If not, I’ll lend you 30 seconds with mine: best laugh ever
How is this crappy Newfie weather benefitting you this summer? I’d love to hear your bright side of the story. (If you’re on the west coast or in Labrador where the weather’s been great, I caution you; choose your words wisely because we already hate you.)