I was never huge on Christmas. I mean I liked it, but there was always this looming thought that it was all incredibly fucking stupid. Some baby was supposedly born a couple thousand years ago and saved the world from sin (might be time to send another magic youngster there, b’ys) and now we give gifts and decorate trees and write letters to an old guy in a red, velvet suit. Yeah, nothing weird about all that.

But I went along with it. I enjoyed the music, the shopping, the lights, the eggnog, the elf porn. Just kidding, I don’t even like eggnog.

Then Dad died and there was no reason to do anything ever again, certainly not go along with some silly traditions based on a pile of lies. The first Christmas after Dad bought the farm, I could care less if we put up a tree at all. I certainly wasn’t about to drag some big fir into the house and painstakingly position it and trim it and tie it to the wall so it didn’t fall over when King Kong Baby climbed it. We put one up, but my heart wasn’t into it.

This year I’ve decided to resubscribe to the hoopla. Some of it anyway. For Max. Do I still think it’s mostly a heap of crap that makes people spend too much money and give their kids too much shit and stress out over the most trivial stuff and eat and drink till they explode? Yes, yes I do. But there’s some magic in it for the kidlets, so I’m going to do it for Max. I’d stick exclusively to reality if it wasn’t so ugly half the time. Maybe we could all use a few shiny, sparkly lies once in a while. I still think Christmas is really fucking stupid. But I don’t know, maybe life is a little nicer when you’re stupid.

So I took Max to the Santa Claude parade today. Nearly froze my short ‘n curlies off watching every goddamn dance troupe in the city kick up their legs. But…well done, girls! At least you’re not pregnant or smoking crack, bravo. We can all agree it wuddn’t no Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. More like a Pipers on Elizabeth Avenue Parade. But it was something, I guess. Santa said “Hello there, Max” as he drove by with his very realistic one-dimensional wooden reindeer, so Max thought that was pretty cool. He also said “ho ho ho” so I guess he was talking to me, I dunno, whatever Santa. The floats were fa la la la LAME-O, but if I have to cast a vote the local chicken wing joint, Wingin’ It, gets mine for their thematic combo of aviation and poultry.

I also plan to decorate the house. I’ve started with this tree. It has a hamburger on it.

burger treeI can see this is going to go really, really well.