You know how life is, like, super ultra boring? Well, to combat that, you can drink. Or smoke crack. Or sleep with every Tom, Dick or Hairy Dick and wake up full of sperm yet so very empty inside. OR…you can be like me and go shopping! Seriously, there is so much hilarity right under your nose. Not unlike crack. But this stuff won’t land you in jail, or on city council.

Check out these precious beets. These are not beets made with fragmented babies, OH HELL NO, these are beets made with WHOLE BABIES. Mmmmm.

beets made with whole babies

“Goodnight Moon” just not cutting it anymore? Here’s a book that’ll cut you up real good. Nothing like a good story about cute, furry, people-eating predators to lull your little one to sleep. If you look really hard into the bear’s mouth on the cover, you can see Peter Rabbit taking his last earthly breath.

grizzly book

Really, President’s Choice…REALLY? “Eat the Middle First” — that’s what you’re calling your Oreo-wannabes? Did the “President” “choose” this catchy and memorable and not at all cumbersome name? Is your “president” named Fidel Castro, because this name sounds a lot like a dictatorship to me. Don’t tell me how to eat my cookies, muthafucka. P.S. I eat my RED Smarties FIRST. Snap.


Looks like Sesame Street is at it again. Introducing Epileptic Elmo. Touch his foot and he shakes and quivers all over. And you really get your money’s worth because Epileptic Elmo also doubles as Childbirth Elmo. As you can see here, Elmo is squeeeeezing a small child out of his furry crimson loins. Yikes. That’s gonna tear up some fur.

epileptic elmo

I loves me some rubber dinner. It’s served up at Chez Murphy at least once a week. But don’t fuck with me, Kraft. I’m sure this new KD is indeed a high source of fibre and contains no artificial colour and blah blah blah. But come on…”smart”? Smart is a word reserved for broccoli and spinach. When you decided to put “smart” in extra large letters on this box, what you really meant was “A Little Less Stupid”. I will continue to enjoy your rubbery goodness, but I just wanted you to know: you ain’t foolin’ me.

smart would be broccoli

Hooray, kids! Now you can brush your teeth right along with Caillou, with this cool book and toothbrush set. Sadly, you will never find a book and hairbrush set. It’s actually pretty great that Caillou is bald. Imagine the infernal whines we’d have to endure from that little one-dimensional asshole whenever someone tried to comb his hair after bathtime.

caillou book

Ginger is all the rage. Ginger tea, ginger chicken, Prince Harry, etc. But nobody’s going to buy this “Ginger Drink” for its healing properties, or because the ginger root looks like a delicious tumorous arm bone. They’re going to to buy it for the…wait for it…wait for it…FREE COASTER WOOOOOOOOOOO CAN’T WAIT TO LAY MY MUG ON THAT SHITTTTTT.

free coaster

When I was little, my parents gave me a series of “Value Tales” — a set of children’s books that each told the story of some historic figure, like “The Value of Believing in Yourself: The Story of Louis Pasteur”, and “The Value of Imagination: The Story of Charles Dickens.” Oh, sweet Christopher Columbus, how the times have changed. I saw this book on a store shelf last night: “The Power of Cute.” I flipped through it to make sure it was what I thought it was. Yes indeed. When you have no confidence or imagination or intelligence or character, you can always count on your cuteness to get you ahead. Go get ’em, cutie.


And finally, I can always count on the produce section to give me a good chuckle. I have no idea what this vegetable is. I’m not even sure it’s a veggie; it looks more like a wedgie. I’m pretty sure it’s something made by the Asians. Anyway, I don’t care what you call it, because when translated into English it means “an old man’s toothless gob.”