1. HOLY SWEET CHEESES, BATMAN
Give your eyeballs about 30 seconds to realize what they’re seeing. Yes, it’s a cheese grater. But check out the regular-sized whisk at the base of it, which I strategically placed there for your comprehension. Now look back at the grater. And now you know. You’re looking at the Jupiter…the blue whale…the DIRK DIGGLER OF CHEESE GRATERS. For people who really, really, really love cheese, I guess. (I curd make so many cheesy puns right now but I digress.) Or maybe it was custom-made for the rodent crew of the Lyubov Orlova. Or for sickos looking to innovate their torture chambers with everyday instruments. Ugh, this cattle prod is such a snore, how about a nifty hand mixer in your butthole? Gawd, marching the enemy to the gallows is so 1892, how about I just flip the lid off your skull with this handy can opener? Now that I’ve maimed, whipped and disfigured you with these 18th century torture devices, I’m going to GRATE YOUR FACE LIKE IT’S MOZZARELLA, BITCH.
2. CAILLOU DOWN ON THE BAYOU. NO. JUST NO.
Oh Caillou. You whiny little baldy. Everywhere I look, you’re there. On Treehouse. On NTV News (Hi, David Cochrane.) And now you’re trying to whine your way into my bathtub with your snorkel and patch-eyed pussy? Naw-uh. The only bald dudes entering my bathtub are Patrick Stewart (“Make it so!”) and my husband in about four to six years.
3. IRONING BOREDZZZZ
Just an ordinary toy iron, right? The only thing weird about this toy is the fact that IT EXISTS. I know kids like to pretend they’re grownups and play house and all that, but do they seriously want to IRON? Do they really want to take a fake, plastic iron and run it back and forth over a pair of doll pants FOR FUN? Oh yeah baby, I’m gonna make these slacks so PRETEND FLAT. I’m gonna IMAGINE the wrinkles right out of these puppies. And right after that I’m going to watch some paint dry, followed by The English Patient. I mean, at least a toy blender makes some funny noises. A toy vacuum requires some sweet cha-cha-cha legwork. But this…This is the worst. I’m all for kids – boys as well as girls – emulating the mundane tasks of adulthood. The faster Max wants to take over the laundry the better. Here’s the fabric softener; just don’t drink it, k? At least the iron ain’t pink, I’ll give ‘em that. But it needs a little something extra, something clever. Have it belt out some Iron Maiden when you press the button, or maybe a little Under Pressure by Queen.
4. OH NO YOU DIDN’T
Oh yes you did and I’m going to smack your face. Are you shitting me? At first glance: super cute illustrations. Upon closer examination (or just basic level reading): super yucky gender stereotyping. Could they not use “brilliant” twice? Could they not mix it up for once, maybe call the boy beautiful and the girl brilliant? You bore me, card people. You put the dick in predictable. You put the asso in Picasso. My friend’s five-year-old daughter knows more than you twits. Alise, in the usual pink shirt, asked her mom: “What does my shirt say?” Her mom replied, “It says Princess.” “Next time,” Alise said, “I want a blue shirt that says Smart.” Well great Odin’s raven, there is hope for us yet. I’m voting for Alise in the next election.
5. CHAIRS TO CHILDHOOD OBESITY!
Is your lil’ gamer working his thumbs into a sweat on the X-Box controller? Aw poor widdle guy, he must be so pooped. Great news, kids! Now you can kick up your fat feet in your very own mini recliner! Comes with free case of Root Beer, a colossal sack of cheese doodles, and a big girl diaper so you don’t even need to get up to go to the bathroom. Just pretend you’re an old lady at a lucky slot machine. And remember, just because you’re relaxed doesn’t mean you’re lazy. You might be a lard ass in the living room, but you’re a sniper in the virtual world. Just look at the box it comes in for god’s sake. The people who make the little la-z-boy are so lazy themselves, they don’t even bother trying to deny the fact that the chair was invented to make your lazy kids even lazier. The kid in the main picture is reclining with an iPod! Oh but look, there’s a smaller inset shot of a kid reading a book. So it’s also a READING chair. Nice try. The kid’s probably reading the instruction manual for the iPod. All they’re missing is a picture of a kid with a pipe and a floor-ashtray.
6. FOX NEWS
No foxes were harmed in the taking of this photograph of me in an all-in-one fox “scat” (that’s a scarf and a hat in one, not fox poop). Although I did trip over the threshold exiting the store. (What does the fox say?)