This mommy blogging thing is hard. Shut up – it is! [Insert big giant pouty face.]
Now I know it’s not brain surgery.
Or rocket science.
Or fishing for crab in the North Atlantic.
Or grooming unicorns.
But it does come with it’s own diaper bag of challenges.
The biggest challenge? The hatred. You know, the heckling… from the peanut gallery.
See, “mommy blogger” comes with a stigma. You know it’s true. I mean surely any woman sharing her stories about parenthood on the Internet must be pathetic and self-obsessed. She can’t possibly have a life beyond the diaper pail. Like, GAWD – does she really think the world gives a sweet shit about how sweet her kid’s shit is? Spare me the drama, freak-show mama. And, for Christ sake, get your fat ass off the computer and go fold some laundry or something.
I’ve thought all these things about mommy bloggers I’ve stumbled upon online. They’re a dime a dozen, and some of them really do make me want to throw up in my mouth. And if their blahggery is riddled with typos and poor grammar, I want to cut my head off and shit down my own neck. But hey, writing poorly is better than smoking crack well, right? Respect.
A recent report from The Onion captured perfectly the reproach for the mommy blogger:
[A first-time mother] has registered with the web service WordPress for the purpose of blogging the severely underdocumented experience of child-rearing.
“Now I’ll be able to preserve for posterity every detail of this magical time in my life and in Kaylee’s, recording every decision that affects her as well as all of my personal thoughts and reflections on the process,” Baldritch told reporters Saturday. “At long last, persons wondering what valuable insights fertility has imbued me with, or just wanting to see pictures of my precious Kaylee, will have a one-stop resource in cyberspace.”
Baldritch estimated the odds of her updating the blog twice a week for three weeks and then abandoning it at zero.
I laugh because it’s true. Many mommy bloggers are writing about how blessed they are, and how magical motherhood is. It’s annoying, and kind of a big fat lie. But hey, some readers savour that sappy drivel. So if you don’t like what you read, take your eyeballs elsewhere. To motherblogger.ca, for example. (High fives – you’re already here!) I talk about the same kind of stuff, but with way more words that start with F and rhyme with luck. And somehow, that makes me kind of totally rad.
But even when you do it differently and, dare I say, better – people still hate on you. And look out if you actually have a point of view. Bad mommy! Bad, bad mommy!
Seriously. When my Broken Vagina article hit the Huffington Post, I got so many contemptuous comments, it kept me awake at night. I tried to count sheep, but every wooly bastard would pause midway over the fence, look me straight in the eye, and say “Baaaaaad mommy, baaad baaaaaaaaaad mommy.”
It took me a couple of days to realize – this is the way it goes. A friend and coworker of mine gave me some perspective:
“Your writing didn’t suddenly become awkward, unfunny or mean-spirited just because it now reaches more people. The factor that has changed has been the volume of readers via HuffPost, and the accompanying proportion of nutjobs.”
Nutjobs… Oh, of course! From the peanut gallery! Now it all makes sense.
So I thought I’d take a moment to reply to a few of the nutjobs and naysayers – even the anonymous ones with the extra mouth where their balls should be.
To the lovely woman who said she wanted to adopt Max to save him from his cruel mother – check yourself before you wreck yourself, Mrs. Mott. Even the HuffPolice thought you went too far and deleted your comment. Too bad, because I was really pleased with my counter-reply: “You can have him for 20 bucks and a six-pack.”
To infertile Myrtle, thanks for the reminder that I should be more thankful to have been able to conceive at all. Sounds like your uterus is not the only hostile place on your person. But you’re exactly right. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to let Max out from under the stairs.
To the chick who found my K.D. Lang joke “highly offensive,” newsflash: I don’t really intend to buy pink clothes for my would-be daughter so she won’t look like K.D. Lang. And holy homos – K.D. Lang is GAY? I thought she just dressed like a dude. (Read: I love gays.)
To the commenter who said I should no longer be allowed to breed, I’ll have you know – I love my child. I love him almost as much as I love shoes, chocolate cake and green apple martinis. So there.
To the self-declared 100-pound superfreak with the tips on how to eat properly while pregnant – thank you, Calista Flockhart. Next time I get knocked up, I will be sure not to fill my body with “McDonalds and lies.” For the record, my pregnancy craving was grapefruit juice, but who would have laughed at that?
To the fella who called my article “hackneyed tripe,” I noticed that remark was, like, your 100th HuffPo comment that day. Wow. Troll much? I bet you used the term “hackneyed tripe” a bunch of times too, didn’t you? You so clever, Trollin’ Trevor.
To the handful of whack-jobs who called me cruel and cold, I’m not really going to use my new baby as a pillow. Way too lumpy.
To she who accused me of being “completely obsessed with my body image,” I’m sorry about your cankles. I make fun of my saggy nips and flabby ass, but it’s not because I’m vain; it’s because people laugh at saggy nips and flabby asses! And the merchandise is really not that manged. Don’t be hatin’, unskinny satan.
To the terrible speller who said I talk about motherhood like it’s a “game” – Really? Motherhood is not a game? Dang, all this time I thought I was playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
And to the two mean-spirited local writers who poked fun at my “mommy blogging” – don’t be so mean, b’ys. And don’t be so dumb; if I ever see either of your names on the cover of a book, I’ll be sure to pick up a copy – and put it back down.
When I blogged about the Nicholas Winsor murder, I had nimrods coming out of the woodwork to defend their imprisoned pals. They were googling keywords around the murder and winding up at my blog, I guess. Hooray for search engine optimization? To the commenter who insisted that one of the alleged killers – a gun-toting drug-pusher, if not a killer – is a “good guy,” oh yes, I’m sure he was. But forgive me for not asking him to babysit on Saturday night.
I’ve heated the pee of a few cross huggers with my agnostic discourse. I’m pretty sure the Pope has me on the Illuminaughty list. Vicki Murphy – listed right before Sinead O’Connor, and right after Madonna, alphabetically.
Even my own mother has scolded me for my vulgar verbosity. Maybe one day I will realize she was right all along; I should be more delicate with my diction. But I can only be who I am now and know what I know now, and right now I know one thing: I am a mother, but I am not my mother.
I’ve been accused of being cruel, crass, insensitive, judgmental, anti-feminist, feminist, and misinformed. Clearly, to be a writer, especially one writing about the sacred vocation of motherhood, you need to have a really, really, really thick skin. Really thick. Like, Alan Thicke.
My sharp-tongued prose is not for everyone. And that’s okay. I choose to say things that make some people cringe. I choose to open myself up to ridicule; my cup of ridicule runneth over. If the maniacal musings of the Mother Blogger are not your cup of tea, put that teacup back down, yo. Move along to the next tea party. It’s all good. It’s nobody’s fault. Some things just don’t fit.
But in putting myself out there, come hell or high water, I also get a whole lot of love. Many of you keep coming back for more and that’s why I keep on keepin’ on. And truth be told, sometimes the haters are the first ones to return because I’ve stirred up something in them they dare not admit. Muahahahaha… [witch cackling fades out]
Here’s the deal. If you’re caught up in the hyperbole and profanity of my momglish, if it seems all I do is cuss my life and vent my frustrations about my irate toddler, please know: my son is my life. This is my therapy and your entertainment, if you’ll have me, as I search for meaning in the mayhem of motherhood. (The therapy and the entertainment are both FREE, I might add.) And I trust that when Max is old enough to read alladis, he’ll see the value in it too. Through all the bat-shit crazy, he will see, without a doubt, that I loved him so. Loved him so much, I documented all our zany adventures together for all time. And bravely took the peanuts in the face all the while.
Charleton Heston once said to Lawrence Olivier, “I’ve finally learned to ignore the bad reviews.”
“Fine,” Olivier replied, “now learn to ignore the good ones.”
Share
Nadine Wells
March 13, 2012 at 3:09 pm (9 years ago)Give it to ’em Vicki! I love your blog…makes me laugh every time because you tell it like it is. No sugar coating! And you speak my language…guess I’m a bit of a potty mouth too 🙂
Gina
March 13, 2012 at 6:56 pm (9 years ago)Love your blog Vic 🙂 it makes me laugh…. ALOT 🙂 Cheers to your honesty 🙂
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:11 am (9 years ago)Murky buckets, Gina.
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:18 am (9 years ago)High five, potty mouth sister!
Sherry Power
March 13, 2012 at 3:25 pm (9 years ago)Great job Vicki, Love the responses to the NutJobs they were hilarious!
Sherry Power
March 13, 2012 at 3:30 pm (9 years ago)PS. Isn’t there a National Herpes Registry you can add the extra special nutjobs?
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:18 am (9 years ago)Yeah, if only I had actual names instead of stuff like this: SuperDawg69, CrazyChick77, etc.
Susan Manning
March 13, 2012 at 3:31 pm (9 years ago)Hi Vicki, Tracy L cuz in law and friends of Glenn and Peggys,
Screw em. You write what the honest folk think. I love reading your blog and share with all, even my momma. And i have been saying for years (jacob-who i would lay down my life for- is same age as Jack) that motherhood is a game and tell all my friends that. It is all about the game, all about who wins the ultimate minor battles to the war, these manipulative little creatures must not win!!!. (even from making them eat yucky veggies). Keep writing and keep the masses entertained. Susan
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:17 am (9 years ago)Oh yes – you are the one with the boy with the beautiful eyes! But he’s still a manipulative little creature. 🙂
Crystal McLellan
March 13, 2012 at 3:38 pm (9 years ago)Vicki, you are amazing and should never give up sharing your experiences as a mother. You are only saying what the rest of us mothers are thinking and going through. It’s hard to be a mom but no matter what you say or do, you love your child more than life it’s self. I love reading your blog, it’s refreshing and makes me laugh during the day and I can relate to everything…. so can every other mother (but they won’t say it) Keep it up girl!
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:15 am (9 years ago)Thanks, Crystal. xo
Robin
March 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm (9 years ago)Love your blog, Vicki!!! Already looking forward to the next one!
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:14 am (9 years ago)Thanks babe. Choo choooooooo
Roxane
March 13, 2012 at 4:45 pm (9 years ago)Love your blog, always looking forward to the next one. Pretty sure your Dad would have seen all the humour that you have in it and would have supported you 100%…Keep on typing for all of us that choose to read it..
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:24 am (9 years ago)Thanks, Roxxxxxxxanne.
Tara
March 13, 2012 at 4:45 pm (9 years ago)I love your blog and check for updates everyday…. screw the haters. Regarding the guy who called your post “hackneyed tripe” I say he has “man in pajama” syndrome. You know, one of those losers who has nothing better to do all day than sit at the kitchen table in pajamas writing angry letters. 🙂
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:14 am (9 years ago)I’m thinking dirty underwear with holes in them. Pajamas would be an improvement!
Gillian C
March 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm (9 years ago)Your writing is awesome and that’s why so many people have so many comments, even if some of them are from nasty nutjobs. Imagine how boring your dad would have been if he worried about what other people might think. I’m sure he reads your every post with a little “that’s-my-girl” kind of smile!
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:13 am (9 years ago)Even though you’re my SIL and might be flattering me out of obligation, I thank you. 🙂
Gillian C
March 15, 2012 at 5:45 pm (9 years ago)So not flattering out of obligation. I love the blogs!
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:52 pm (9 years ago)xoxo
Jackie Adams
March 13, 2012 at 5:06 pm (9 years ago)I love your blogs! I look forward to reading them. Highly entertaining and totally relatable…don’t stop!
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:12 am (9 years ago)Thanks Jack Attack. xo
Leah Dooley
March 13, 2012 at 5:25 pm (9 years ago)I love your blog Vicki! It’s the only Mommy Blog I follow. It really does make me LOL!
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:12 am (9 years ago)Is that you I keep hearing? 😉
Tiffany
March 13, 2012 at 5:56 pm (9 years ago)The worse thing about seeing your latest blog pop up on the homepage of my FB is knowing that it’s going to be another week or two before you post another! I’ve followed you fromt he beginning of your Mommy Blogging and have laughed so hard my husband thought I was losing it and have cried, along with what I’m sure are many other Moms, on the posts about your Dad. You have (and I quote) said “I’ve been accused of being cruel, crass, insensitive, judgmental, anti-feminist, feminist, and misinformed” but do they not realize that you’re an intelligent mother, wife, daughter, educated-working individual who is taking the time to make us other Mothers laugh at the hysterics of your child-rearing adventures?! The haters will hate and so be it. A complaint will always come much quicker than a compliment! Hats off to you for taking the time out of your chaotic life to inform the naysayers, who don’t deserve your time, that they matter the least of your readers. Always a great read from you. Keep up the awesome work, Vicki!
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:12 am (9 years ago)You are sweeter than pie with whipped cream and sprinkles and wine gums and… Thank you.
Heather Haggett
March 13, 2012 at 6:28 pm (9 years ago)Vic, You are awesome!… that is all
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:56 pm (9 years ago)Thanks, mama de Riley!
Julie
March 13, 2012 at 9:30 pm (9 years ago)You’re hilarious! Please never stop writing. It’s like you’re the funny voice in my head that says I’m not alone, whenever my two little monsters do something that makes me want to tear my hair out. 😉
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:11 am (9 years ago)Maybe that’s why we have hair… to tear it out when our evil children drive us to the edge. Better than beating them, right? xo
Nadz
March 13, 2012 at 10:53 pm (9 years ago)Yay! Thank you for NOT changing! (Wow, I can’t believe I actually read a mommy blog… never would’ve seen that coming!)
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:10 am (9 years ago)I can’t believe I WRITE one. But if it’s wrong I don’t wanna be right. xo
Kelly
March 13, 2012 at 11:44 pm (9 years ago)I think you are swell….. And fearless! I share your sense of humor and even a little bit of the writing gene….. But your fearlessness is what I envy the most! I love your blog and I know from personal experience that the day will come when you realize your son has the same “warped” sense of humor that you do….. And that is truly the best day!! The day that I realized my daughter, now nearly 12, “got” my jokes and was a pretty funny little bugger herself, was the day it hit me that I really did make this person…..and I kinda like her! Probably the same feeling your Dad got the day he realized it with you. Keep on writing every devious image that pops to mind! I love it!! One day you’ll be like Howard Stern with ovaries! The Queen of All Media ( too bad that’s already been claimed by that Perez Hilton!)!
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 12:10 am (9 years ago)Thanks, cousin. Maybe we have the same funny bone, as well as the same Combden blood.
Lesley
March 14, 2012 at 12:35 am (9 years ago)So glad you addressed that peanut gallery again, I read some of those comments and wanted to attack them myself! Really, if it bothers them, why do they keep reading? I know it must be hard to not take such negative comments to heart – but do you really care what people like that think? That particular article made me laugh out loud, very loud, while tears of laughter covered my face. I gasped for air as I tried to read sections to my husband. It was hilarious…and nice to hear the real truth from someone else. (And it was all that much more relatable after just having had bambino number two!) SO thank you for the laughs and keep up the great work!
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:56 pm (9 years ago)High fives!
Sandra
March 14, 2012 at 12:47 am (9 years ago)I don’t even have children and I love your blog : ) Keep up the good work!!
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:57 pm (9 years ago)I don’t have children either. I just made Turbo Ginger up.
J Penney
March 14, 2012 at 2:40 am (9 years ago)I love reading your blog, my wife got me reading it. you tell it how it is, don’t change a thing!!
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:57 pm (9 years ago)J Medd
March 14, 2012 at 3:40 pm (9 years ago)Have to say that you are about the only mother blogger I have been able to read more than once. Love the humour, love the sarcasm and love your take on the whole parent hood experience, the good, the bad and the crap filled diaper parts. Don’t change a thing.
Mother Blogger
March 14, 2012 at 6:37 pm (9 years ago)Thank you for saying so. 🙂
Veronica
March 15, 2012 at 12:28 pm (9 years ago)Love the blog Vicki! Even my husband reads it, he came home last night and asked if I had seen your latest post, he thinks you’re slightly cracked, but he keeps reading 🙂 Having a couple of little monsters myself I think you’ve really captured the essence of parenting small children.
Deanne Fisher, member of the mommy sisterhood
March 15, 2012 at 3:41 pm (9 years ago)Vicki,
I LOVE your blog! Those nutjobs who have nothing kind to say because you’ve dared to bold, fresh and – gasp! – entertaining in sharing your your experiences of motherhood, they’re just plain narrow minded. And you know what they say about opinions? Cliche I know, but it’s true. I can honestly say that reading through this blog I have laughed out loud, I mean honestly belly-laughed out loud!! That doesn’t happen all the time. It’s so refreshing! And, take it from me, your adoration for your little man is dripping through everything you right. To suggest otherwise, is truly… well, just stupid!
Keep it up Ginger! Much love…
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:53 pm (9 years ago)Thanks Dee-licious Mama!
Maria
March 15, 2012 at 5:51 pm (9 years ago)How did I miss this blog post? Love it! Love all of it. Would have gone nuts without it! 🙂
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:52 pm (9 years ago)I know you. You’re already nuts. But okay. xo
Gerri-Lynn Boland
March 15, 2012 at 11:19 pm (9 years ago)I anxiously await each new blog – it cracks me up and is almost like picking up a mirror. Im not as well versed as you but I’ll tell you my 20 month young little ginger tells people his name is “Jesus Jack”. ( I laugh every time) For the record It’s not, its just Jack. 🙂
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:51 pm (9 years ago)Yes, I have heard about your ginja ninja. Jesus Jack… LOL! What about Jack Jack? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxd7W7q-THw
Ingo, Catherine and Lil' Maximilian
March 15, 2012 at 11:29 pm (9 years ago)Well done Vicki. Long time fan, first time commentator. I love your blog and I’m a guy! My girlfriend, and mom to our recent 2 month old boy Maximilian (sorry can’t say you inspired us!), can identify with a lot of what you have to say and what you experience. Our Max continues to inspire us with hilarious moments….
Keep up the good work!
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:49 pm (9 years ago)Thanks for the lovely note. And Maximillion eh… I’m flattered. 😉
Vanessa
March 18, 2012 at 1:20 am (9 years ago)I would literally go crazy without your Mommy blog. My son is the exact same age as yours and I get SO MUCH out of your posts! Absolutely hilarious, they keep me sane! This age is so difficult and reading your hilarious spin on things always makes me smile and not take things so seriously. Thank you for all you do! Don’t ever stop! xo
ps- Haters will hate. There’s nothing you can do about people that hate their own life and use anonymous negative comments to make themselves feel better.
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:48 pm (9 years ago)Up top, Vanessa girl!
Katie
March 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm (9 years ago)Who really cares? It’s your blog and your writing. If you stand behind what you say, then who gives a shit about what others have to say? Why waste precious keystrokes defending yourself against idiots who will still judge you anyway?
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:45 pm (9 years ago)Damn straight, sister!
Lesley
March 21, 2012 at 4:23 pm (9 years ago)You just say what the rest of us don’t have the gumption to (outloud in public anyway)!
You know I love it and that is all that matter….me. Yes just me, screw the rest of them! HA!
Great job again 🙂
Mother Blogger
March 21, 2012 at 10:44 pm (9 years ago)Murky buckets.
Lora Reed
March 29, 2012 at 7:10 pm (9 years ago)You’re awesome! Forget the haters!
PS. Even though I said “Forget the haters”, what I really mean by that is that I love your responses to them… Man, you rock!
Mother Blogger
April 1, 2012 at 8:34 pm (9 years ago)Thank you Lora. Where are you from? (That sounds creepy, but I’m always curious to know where visitors are logging on from.)
Lauren
April 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm (9 years ago)This may come as a shock to you, but I too blog about parenting and how it’s not all about puppies and unicorns and rainbows breaking through the thick Newfoundland Fog to land on my doorstep. I have a mass following of seven people and don’t get hated on ever, so I won’t lie, I’m a little jealous that you’re so cool that people hate you. I have to say though, if I ever do get hated, I’ll be taking a page out of your book. Those were by far the best burns I have come across in a long time. So long that I don’t think I’ve use the term “burn” since high school. Finally, to the lady who wanted to buy your child, ask her if she wants mine too. Since she’s been crawling she’s really cutting into my nap and wine drinking time.
Mother Blogger
April 7, 2012 at 5:35 pm (9 years ago)I will be checking out your blog. Maybe I’ll even send you couple burns so you an practice your comebacks for when you’re famous.
Trish
April 12, 2012 at 4:21 pm (9 years ago)Your broken vagina post was one of the funniest things I’ve read in years – I can’t count how many people I forwarded that too.
Keep up the good blogging! For the sake of the wildly appreciative section of the peanut gallery!
Mother Blogger
April 13, 2012 at 1:23 pm (9 years ago)Thank you so much. I always like to know where my fans are from (yes, the less-than-mediocre fame has gone to my head). Where are you?
Trish
June 16, 2012 at 9:28 pm (9 years ago)In Ottawa, but originally from the rock. Expecting my first in August 🙂
Mother Blogger
June 18, 2012 at 8:02 pm (9 years ago)You should name him/her Rocky. Or not.
Trish
August 12, 2012 at 2:23 pm (8 years ago)Donaldina and Eunice were in the running, but thankfully we seem to have settled on Norah. Assuming she ever decides to come out!
Rachelle
August 11, 2012 at 12:56 am (8 years ago)Whateves. I love this blog, I’m currently reading all the posts while praying the baby doesn’t wake up and interrupt me. It’s wonderfully written, you obviously have a talent for writing and a great sense of humour. And I’m and English major, so I should know… hahah Keep ’em coming.