We are just a couple weeks away from Father’s Day.
Normally, right about now, I’d be doing some kind of woeful “happy fatherless day to me” countdown.
Some kind of tear-jerking tribute to the late Jim Combden.
Some ode to that salty Barr’d Island blood from whence I bubbled.
But instead, I write about someone else’s daddy.
Today, I write about Blair Tapper.
I first saw him in the big family portrait at the house of what would one day be my in-laws. 17 grandchildren. Blair is the one right smack dab in the middle. The one with the craaaaaazy eyes staring right into your soul.
My husband’s first cousin and a few years his senior, I didn’t know Blair very well. But from a few brief encounters I learned one thing for certain – he was damn funny. Sarcastic and seemingly crooked, his mission in life was to get under your skin. He got under mine, but for another reason altogether.
Just the look of him was side-splitting. Big menacing eyes topped with thick eyebrows. You’d think he was mad if not for the gem just a couple inches below: a perpetual beaming smile.
To me, he looked like a child, forever surprised or perplexed by the world. Probably one of the reasons he was so good with kids – because he was one. Another reason? Practice. He was dad to six. Yes, you heard me right. Six.
Blair was salt of the earth. No bullshit. No pretense. A roofer for 15 years, he also cleared snow and did small engine repair. Many locals probably remember him pumping gas at Tappers Gas Bar as a teenager. He worked harder in his 38 years than most do their entire lives. Yes, you heard me right. 38.
He lived just one street over from us in the Torbay countryside we both called home, where streets are not really streets but cow paths and lovers lanes. There are cows all over these parts, and I reckon Blair and Kelly’s driveway was Lovers Lane. And not just because of the multitude of munchkins pouring out of their humble abode.
I’d often see Blair at the grocery store nearby, picking up a few things for Kelly to cook for supper. Mushrooms. Hot dog buns. Occasionally, on the way back he’d pop into the house for a beer with Andrew. Kelly would text him, wondering what the heck was taking him so long. He’d chuckle mischievously as he texted her back. He spoke her name with love. I could see it, hear it. They’d be making another baby before the wieners were warm.
When I took Max for a walk or tricycle ride, Blair would often zip by in his ol’ white minivan. Even the way he looked and waved was a performance.
He was at our house a couple of months ago, when he was feeling good. His head was as smooth as a baby’s arse, but he looked well, eyes wide and full of hope. Andrew was helping him with his passport application; he was thinking about going somewhere, maybe Mexico, for some kind of treatment unavailable here in St. John’s. He showed me the two passport photos he had to choose from – one where he was bald from the chemo, one where he had a bit of hair, both photos with those crazy-ass eyes. He asked which one was best, so I said, “Either way, they probably don’t let psychos on the plane.” He laughed. He could give it, and I knew he could take it too, cancer or no cancer. I rubbed his head and said it was cute. It was.
I recall that night clearly. I was doing my usual song and dance to try and get Mister Max to go to sleep. His little voice was calling out to me from his bedroom, begging me to lie down with him again. “Mommy, lie down. Mommy, lie down.” The soundtrack of my sleepless life. I rolled my eyes and sighed. “This happens every night,” I said. To which Blair replied something like, “Go in with him, b’y. I loves lying down with the youngsters at bedtime. One of my favourite things.”
Damn you, Blair Tapper. Now, every single night when Max calls out to me, as much as I want to tell him to “go the hell to sleep, maggot!,” I just can’t. I hear Blair’s voice in my head, I take a deep breath, and into the room I march. Again. To savour the moment that tomorrow does not guarantee.
Despite the toll cancer took on his body these last few months, Blair was strong, optimistic, and matter of fact. But once when Andrew bumped into him and asked how things were going, Blair showed a softer side. He said things were not great, but spoke with assurance as usual. Then he welled up as he confessed the one thought he could not bear – the thought of being too sick to pick up Victoria, his six-year-old little girl, from the bus stop.
He could stare cancer in the face and say, “fuck you, I will take you down,” but the thought of his little girl waiting for him, and daddy never showing up… It’s enough to make the Incredible Hulk break down and sob.
Despite a grim prognosis, Blair never gave up. Several times, I saw him scuffing from the store to his minivan, grocery bags in hand, bent over, pale, and broken. But dammit, he was bringing home those groceries.
Two weeks ago, he even ventured to Denmark for a last chance treatment – to buy some time, to change his fate. Maybe he was looking for a miracle. Maybe he was an old dog going off into the woods to lie down. Either way, it took a heap of courage. It was the first time his wife Kelly had ever been on a plane. Blair died there in a suburb of Copenhagen, three days ago, on May 28th.
***
I lost my dad too early, too. I guess any time is too early when you’re talking about your father. But at least I had my dad for a good spell. Long enough for him to prepare me for a world without him in it. While I’m busy hating the world and the dummies who’ve yet to cure cancer, I am thankful I had my foolish father as long as I did, short as it was.
But this, this is too bloody early. Excruciatingly early. The Tapper kids ages: 16, 14, 12, six, two and one. Some of them won’t even remember him. Does sadness go any deeper than this?
This is where we must take a lesson from Blair himself:
HOPE.
We have to hope that he is not lost to his kids at all, that they will grow up with a strong sense of who he was, instilled in them by everyone who knew and loved their daddy.
And sweet, sweet genetics: do your thang, work your magic. Make those kids inherit his humour, perseverance, humility and lively disposition. In a few years, make us all drop our jaws and say, “My God, you turned out just like your father.”
Though he won’t tuck them in anymore, or pick them up from the bus stop, what he was to his children is still a very powerful thing. The knowledge of who he was and how he lived will inspire them long after he’s gone. Who knows, maybe he’ll mean even more to the kids who can only imagine what he was like. Love works in mysterious ways.
They will know he worked his ass off to keep them safe and warm and happy. Just before Christmas, despite the raging lymphoma, he still insisted on working – “to buy a few more gifts for the kids,” he told Andrew.
They will know he was strong. He laughed in the face of cancer and fought it to the bitter end.
They will know he never gave up. He tried everything he could to stay by their side.
They will know he was courageous. We will tell them. Like an epic tragedy, on Monday morning, the hero from Torbay laid down his sword in the land of Hamlet.
With all this knowledge wrapped around their hearts, his children can grow up in the warm glow of his shadow, proud as punch to say Blair Tapper was their dad.
***
When you’re saluting the death of a clown, you must end with humour.
So I’d like to conclude with a message to Blair:
How the fuck am I supposed to get the roof done now?!
And don’t worry about anyone forgetting you, buddy. Those menacing eyes will haunt me for eternity.
Blair’s funeral will be held on Monday, June 4th at Holy Trinity in Torbay. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to a trust fund for the Tapper children.
Share
Gillian
May 31, 2012 at 4:59 pm (9 years ago)Damn you, Vicki. I should have known better than to read this at work. Rest in peace, Blair. He will live forever in the eyes of his children…
Raylene Manning
May 31, 2012 at 5:49 pm (9 years ago)Wow…wonderfully stated.
Brenda Cantwell
May 31, 2012 at 6:04 pm (9 years ago)Wow!!! Too many tears to type anything more than RIP Blair!!!
Tricia
May 31, 2012 at 6:06 pm (9 years ago)I didn`t know Blair Tapper, and this is the first time I ever read your blog. But you make me feel like I have known you forever, and like I know Blair. I feel from reading how real you are, how you put it all on the table and could care less whether your mother or mother-in-law is reading it. You are who you are, end of story.
I can tell how much admiration you had for Blair and how much you loved him, and how grateful you are to have had him in your life. And in my little reply note I want to say that I bet Blair is thinking the same things of you as he moves on to the next world waiting till his wife and children to join him again somewhere down the road.
Amen.
Anne B
May 31, 2012 at 6:08 pm (9 years ago)Hi Vicki,
I don’t know you but I am Kent (Myra’s son)’s girlfriend out in Victoria, B.C. I never actually met Blair either but I’ve heard lots about him through the family. Thanks for writing such a lovely post, it’s good to hear something to make us feel connected to the family and to Torbay way out at such a sad time.My (and our) thoughts are with all of you in Torbay right now.
Please spread some extra hugs around for us.
Anne
Carol Bemister
May 31, 2012 at 6:40 pm (9 years ago)What a beautiful tribute to Blair he will be always loved and sadly missed
Susan Seaward
May 31, 2012 at 6:43 pm (9 years ago)I am not luck enough to ever have met Blair Tapper myself, but my little brother knew him and knew him well. He was so devistated when he learned that Blair had cancer. And when it got worse, he would call me at 2 and 3 o”clock in the morning to research where in the world had the best treatment for cancer. He even asked me to remortgage the house so he could send Blair to get better. “I’ll pay you back” he said.
All I can say is it looks like this man was a man worth knowing. Someone to be proud to know. My condolences to his family and friends. Someday, we will find a cure.
clayton Butt
May 31, 2012 at 7:10 pm (9 years ago)No Thought a great guy that will be missed by many. So Sorry to read of his passing.
Deirdre Greene Lono
May 31, 2012 at 7:25 pm (9 years ago)This blog was incrediby moving and beautifully written. We don’t know each other, and I didn’t know Blair: I caught the link from Sheila Tapper. I’ve read (and written) way too many obituaries and memorial peices in my day – this is extraordinary. It reaches in and hooks the heart.
Deirdre Greene Lono
susan
May 31, 2012 at 8:14 pm (9 years ago)Oh Vicki this was so moving. Told it like it was. He will be truly missed. My heart is breaking for Kelly and the children. I did not know Blair well but he was dependable, loyal, and hard working.
Jeremy Scott
May 31, 2012 at 8:53 pm (9 years ago)Very lovely blog, I knew Blair slightly by association, as he was a few years older than me, but I did go to school with his wife Kelly. My heart goes out to the entire Tapper/ Murray family. My Blair rest in peace.
Tamara
May 31, 2012 at 9:01 pm (9 years ago)OMG this is brilliant I am here crying my eyes out!! I was a widow with ONE child at 29 years old. My husband was 29 and we had no time to prepare , his death was natural (as death can be) but instant. I cannot imagine doing what I have done for the last 8 years with SIX kids. My thoughts and prayers are with this family to give them strength now and in the years and decades to come!
Aunt Ethel
May 31, 2012 at 9:25 pm (9 years ago)That was a tear jerker Viki .Keep writing. Love you.
Lisa S
May 31, 2012 at 9:29 pm (9 years ago)Thank you Vicki for writing this…
Buffie Thomas
May 31, 2012 at 9:36 pm (9 years ago)Blair was a friend of mine for a long time now….and this is a loving tribute to one of the funniest guys I ever met….Never seen him without that big smile..and that infectious sense of humor….gonna really miss it !
Carol Bemister
May 31, 2012 at 10:50 pm (9 years ago)What a beautiful tribute to Blair so sad for his children to lose him at such a young age my thoughts and prayers are with both families R.I.P. Blair
Walter
May 31, 2012 at 11:12 pm (9 years ago)Ah Vicki, you’ve done a great job with these memories. Your dad would be proud of what (and how) you’ve written. This brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. I’ve taught one of those six and if they turn out as half the man Blair was, the world will be a much better place. Thanks for bringing out all these feelings and for making us remember how precious life really is. On that note.. I am on my way to put my three to bed and lie down at the foot of their beds for a while. That ten or fifteen minutes of my evening are worth it, yes, every time. God bless you Blair.
karen coultas
May 31, 2012 at 11:12 pm (9 years ago)I have just read your post….and I filled up several times….
I feel like I know Blair from reading it…..although I never had the opportunity to meet him.
I seen a sign when I would drive to Torbay, “call Blair Tapper to get your roof done”…or something to that effect.
Keeping his beautiful family in my prayers. I am sure you will all keep Blair’s memory alive for his 6 children.
Offering my most sincere condolences….
Karen Coultas
Nancy
June 1, 2012 at 12:31 am (9 years ago)Beautiful tribute.. And damn you! For giving me a massive lump in my throat and free flowing tears! 😉
Lisa Maher
June 1, 2012 at 12:36 am (9 years ago)Your blog made its way to the Mahers in Ontario. I often hear my father Arty Maher talk about the old boys back home and there is always one or two Tappers in there somewhere in flatrock or torbay and the traits are all same. Although Ive never met Blair, he sounds like a wonderful father and husband. His zest for life will live on in his children for many years to come. RIP Blair Tapper 🙂
Mary Palmer
June 1, 2012 at 12:48 am (9 years ago)Oh my God I can’t believe it. I remember going to school with Blair in Torbay. He was friggin funny. What a super nice guy he was. It’s funny how you don’t realize how much time has gone by buzzing around everyday living life. My deepest condolences to his family, his wife, his children. To bad the good guys always have to go too soon. God bless you Blair and rest in peace.
Glendine Kilgore
June 1, 2012 at 12:50 am (9 years ago)What a beautiful tribute to Blair,he would be so proud of this.
Susan James
June 1, 2012 at 1:53 am (9 years ago)WOW!! I remember Blair pumping gas at the gas station. His eyes were what I always remembered about him. What an amazing tribute to him you have written. To the Tapper family, I am so sorry for your loss! I am so sorry for his kids but with people like you to help them, they will always know and remember their wonderful father. Thank you for sharing!!
Edwina Franco
June 1, 2012 at 3:15 am (9 years ago)What a beautiful moving tribute. The lump in my throat grew until I could hold back the tears no more. He sounded like the best dad ever. His love will live on in those children. I live in Edmonton, Ab but was just in Torbay earlier this month. You see I am a sister of Pat Healey Fleming… in Flemings Lane married to Madeline Connors of Flatrock. This was posted to FB by my neice Jodie Hynes, Pat and Madeline’s daughter. Thanks for sharing such a heartfelt story. May he rest in peace now away from suffering.
Sukaina
June 1, 2012 at 3:41 am (9 years ago)Wonderfully written. I lived on the same block as him and knew his siblings. This brought me to tears. May he rest in peace.
Lorraine O'Brien Colbert
June 1, 2012 at 4:44 am (9 years ago)A beautiful tribute…RIP Blair
Heather
June 1, 2012 at 8:46 am (9 years ago)What a beautiful tribute! A good reminder for the days when we need to remember what’s truly important! Life is too short!
BRENDA CONNORS
June 1, 2012 at 11:17 am (9 years ago)Vickie, I don’t know you but I have never read such a beautiful tribute in my life.Tears welled up while I was reading it.
Blair was a very funny guy. His family was his world. When he spoke of them, he lit up. Blair buddy, you will be missed. R.I.P.
Vickie
June 1, 2012 at 11:27 am (9 years ago)Vicki, another amazing job! I didn’t know Blair but his family and children are in my thoughts. It breaks my heart to hear of another family torn apart by cancer! Damn that disease!
Barry G
June 1, 2012 at 12:02 pm (9 years ago)Vicki this is a truly outstanding tribute to Blair…I grew up in Torbay with Blair in school…God rest his soul. God bless his family.
Wanda Allen
June 1, 2012 at 12:25 pm (9 years ago)This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read- thank you so much for sharing your life with Blair with the rest of us- he was a goof I went to high School with, and of course knew him from ‘The Top of the Hill’ – God bless him, and his family; may his children have a piece of his charismatic and kind heart with them always.
Alice
June 1, 2012 at 6:47 pm (9 years ago)This is a beautiful tribute to Blair. I sure hope his children get a copy. I taught Blair ,Ian and many ot the Tapper children at Holy Trinity and liked them all.
Kim Horwood
June 1, 2012 at 11:42 pm (9 years ago)Vicky, that is a great tribute to Blair. I did not know Blair but I know Kelly from Walmart. She is a really nice person, always smiling. Keeping Kelly, his mother Paula and their families in my prayers. RIP Blair.
Natasha
June 2, 2012 at 1:29 am (9 years ago)Wow, a beautiful tribute! Well written though I don’t know the family and I live in the middle of nowhere, Labrador. I can completely relate. Thoughts and prayers are with the family.
Danielle Stanley-Genge
June 2, 2012 at 2:11 am (9 years ago)Wow! You’re a great writer. Got the link from my cousin Patty’s Facebook page. Blair was a friend of mine from cadets, although I grew up in Labrador, I hung out with the Torbay crowd at Argo. My heart is broken for such a devastating loss! Thoughts and prayers go out to Blair’s wife and children. Thanks for sharing…
Roxanne Burton
June 2, 2012 at 11:34 am (9 years ago)Beautifully written. You’ve totally captured the guy I remember from high school. So sorry for Blair’s family… they deserved to have many more happy years together.
Heather
June 2, 2012 at 4:26 pm (9 years ago)Blair was a customer at our store and always walked in with a smile. He was a delight to speak with and he will certainly be missed. My thought are with his family.
Lara M
June 2, 2012 at 4:33 pm (9 years ago)Vickie, I’m Blair’s first cousin on the Tapper side….way more than 17 grandkids on this side! I was the first girl, and Blair was next born after me. So we’re the same age and played together through childhood in the neighbourhood. They say that personality and character are formed in the first 5 yrs of life, and the man you describe was definitely established early on. Mischievous, devilish, sweet, pesty, goofy, resilient. Well done.
Carole Ash
June 6, 2012 at 4:15 pm (9 years ago)Your loving heartfelt memories to your friend have reached me here in Scotland and I am moved to tears by your wonderful tribute. I know Torbay well, as my best friend lived there, Rosemary Roche, who also passed too quickly, and will always be in my heart. The world is such a better place for having friends like you in it. Magical reading.
Mother Blogger
June 7, 2012 at 1:46 am (9 years ago)Thank you for all your wonderful comments. Too many to respond to individually. I’m busy being a mother and all that. 🙂
I am always amazed when I get a comment from someone who knows neither me nor my subject matter, like the dear Blair Tapper, but who nonetheless feel so compelled to leave a comment. I thank you for taking the time.
This story about Blair was shared more than 600 times, and visited more than 5,400 times. That’s a record for motherblogger.ca. Damn that Blair Tapper… he’s more popular than my famous vagina article. xo
Cousin Beth
June 12, 2012 at 6:37 am (9 years ago)Cousin Beth on June 12, 2012 at 6:34 am said:
Your comment is awaiting moderation.
Cousin Vic – you sure have a way of bringing life to that we call death and raising the hell out of the moments we have left just before our demise.
Just out of curiosity how do you manage to bypass the security check to prove you are human?
Mother Blogger
June 12, 2012 at 11:06 pm (9 years ago)My home planet has something rigged up.
Cousin Beth
July 14, 2012 at 10:09 am (9 years ago)I figured such.
I’ve been indisposed – unable to write due to the raging guck running through my drug soaked (the good drugs not the bad ones). But you are such a busy little bee at work that I missed only a few of your eye raising snot-calling brat references. We need to train our bosses to let us do our more important writing first – like blogs. Anyway, my sweet little cousin, until the next. Ta ta
Mother Blogger
July 16, 2012 at 2:02 pm (9 years ago)Cousin Beth, you are foolish as a bag of nails. Let’s get hammered.
Cousin Beth
July 14, 2012 at 10:10 am (9 years ago)ps. I had to check the human proofing thingie
MOT Warrington
October 2, 2012 at 7:47 pm (8 years ago)I leave a leave a response each time I appreciate a post on a site or if
I have something to contribute to the discussion.
Usually it is caused by the sincerness communicated in the post I looked
at. And on this article Damn you, Blair Tapper.