All babies are beautiful.
And all their mothers are virgins.
C’mon Stevie Wonder, you know that just ain’t true. Look at your newbie. Yes, yes, he’s precious. He’s precious, based on the novel Push by Sapphire.
Seriously. Does your heir look a little queer?
Is your offspring looking a little off?
Is the son you grew kinda gruesome too?
It’s okay. Not every baby is a babe.
So what if Anne Geddes would put your baby waaaaaay in the background. Perhaps she would encapsulate your lil’ tyke in a big tulip with just his foot sticking out. She’d probably insist he wear the little wool hat… with the face mask.
Listen up, ye makers of ugmo minis: there is hope. Allow me to demonstrate.
This is Max when he was just two months of age…
My kid was a pizza with male pattern baldness.
A pimply pint.
The star of the first half of a Clearasil commercial.
Such cruel irony. I deliver this child drug-free and he winds up looking like a crystal meth junkie.
And check out those jowls — I had given birth to Winston freakin’ Churchill!
But boy did I love him. I mean, how could I not, with such a kick-ass impersonation of John C. Reilly. His first full sentence? “You must call me Night Hawk.”
I was recently contacted by a blogger in Oregon who had come across the shot above when googling “ugly baby.” First of all, yay for search engine optimization. Second of all, ouch. He was about to blog about ugly babies and apparently mine was the epitome of ugly to compliment his words, from all the ugly babies to be found on the World Wide Web. So he asked my permission to use the photo. I said yes, of course, as long as he included my url to drive a bit of Oregonian traffic my way. Check out his blog, Oh God My Wife Is German. His German wife (whose hilarious utterances are top fodder for his blog) had seen an ugly baby with its mother and said, “Her baby looks just like her, which is not a present.”
But my lil’ gremlin was morphing right before my eyes. Within a few short months, his acne cleared up, his hair grew in, and he gave up the crystal, cold turkey. (He’s strictly apple sauce now.)
Soon, my son was God’s gift to midget women everywhere. The little girls at daycare even started putting their phone numbers in his backpack. Of course, it’s impossible to figure out which order the magnetic digits go in, so he never calls any of the little floosies.
And this week, Sir Maximus Handsomest made his big debut in a campaign for GM Goodwrench. Check it out now: the funk soul ginger.
Score for Team Red, fo shizzle.
But don’t worry. I won’t let the fame go to his carrot-top.
And if Anne Geddes calls, she’s a little too late. The only flower that’s gonna capture Turbo Ginger now is the world’s largest and toothiest Venus Flytrap.
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Aunt Ethel
February 25, 2012 at 2:32 pm (9 years ago)I just loved it. Max was handsome from the beginning. He’s going to be a heart breaker in a few years . Keep writing & i’ll keep reading.
Oh God, My Wife Is German
February 25, 2012 at 7:13 pm (9 years ago)Haw haw! Another hilarious post! First thing I did this morning was share it with my horrible German wife. 🙂
Congratulations on Max’s modeling gig! He’s ridiculously cute.
We love your blog!
Have a wonderful day!
~ Oh God, My Wife Is German
Lauren
February 27, 2012 at 4:29 pm (9 years ago)So, I have the opposite problem, sorta. My seven and a half month old son is adorable. Really. I worry he’s using up his lifetime cuteness quota now and will be beat-down and haggard at 11. Strangers comment on his adorableness to me: old women pinch his cheeks; fathers cast wary glances as they snuggle their daughters closer. But, on more than one occasion, people have remarked, “My, you handsome little man. You must look like your father!”
Ba-doo-ching!
Martina
March 1, 2012 at 1:46 am (9 years ago)Hah ha … he’s a handsome little man now. When my oldest daughter was born, she had black hairs on her ears, one of which was flopped over and the oddest hairline … we called her ‘wolf boy’ but shhh don’t tell anyone! She’s gorgeous now.
p.s … found this via CWA
Jennifer S
March 14, 2012 at 10:54 am (9 years ago)Just found your blog…love the post. A pimply pint…I was cracking up. Can’t wait to hear more!
Dave
April 14, 2012 at 1:43 pm (9 years ago)I’m on the slightly uglier side of average looks. Quite nice eyes and features. High, Richard E Grant forehead. Went bald very young. ‘m clever and funny(ish) and have various skills but I’m not a male model and people won’t cut me any slack because I’m a hot guy.
And it’s the same with babies! Or anyone. Babies can be beautiful or not. My first was this elfin pixie that would get attention wherever she went. My second, well, she wouldn’t be the worst on Google Images’ ‘ugly baby’ search but she was funny looking – short looking neck, googley eyes quite widely spaced, odd-looking small chin(s), oversized puffy cheeks, and a kind of low-brow look with, for a baby, a low hairline. She looked like nobody in my family and some family members even said so!
She even looked so odd that I wondered if she might have a genetic disorder (I kept this too myself but dreaded when my wife took her for check in case the health professionals ‘suspected something’) but I stopped thinking this when she started picking up skills on time like making good eye contact and being all smiley, being normal.
Anyway, a few months on and her features utterly changed. Her chin and face more definition, the wide-eyes almost a pretty feature, inquisitive and expressive, growing a nice head of hair. She’s still not the model-material of her sister but she’s no ugly duckling either. I think some babies just go through a much longer ‘squished-up ugly newborn’ phase than others.
Mother Blogger
April 15, 2012 at 2:41 am (9 years ago)Wow, Dave, you’ve really given this a lot of thought.