Ladies and gentlemen and creatures of the woodland, we have a winner.

Yes, there was a contest. You just didn’t really know about it. A little while ago, not long after my book was pushed and squeezed into the world, I asked you to “show me what you got!” No, I didn’t want to see your junk. Unless my book was in front of it. I’ll look at anything then because all I’m seeing is dollar signs anyways.

I wanted to see my book in your life — on your nightstand, on your one-night stand, whatever. And I promised a special prize to the winner. Or at least I think I did. Whatever, she’s getting a prize. Sort of.

Some of you came through with sweet pics of your babies and furkids who, let’s face it, wanted to take the book and chew the shit out of. Someone even sent me a picture of the book on a beach in the Bahamas. (Next time, Joanne, make sure you get some of the hot staff in the background okay thanks.)

But one of you sick bastards really took the cake, and then smashed it to pieces with your mystical horn. When I saw the photo, I couldn’t stop laughing. I was shocked and amused and horrified and overjoyed all at the same time.

524688_10153521711750296_1220913715_nAs a reward for this brilliant fusion of perversion and whimsy, I will be featuring Ms. Dinah Goodyear right here on my bloggy-poo. An article all about her. (It could have been you, too bad so sad. Next time I have a contest, be a psychic and know about it.)

And oh my giddy aunt…guess what Dinah does for a living? She grooms panty hamsters. WUNDERBAR. It was meant to be. Check back later for the big hairy deal on Dinah, which rhymes with………….